'Blue Nude' by Elizabeth Rosner

INHERITING AN IDENTITY
A Conversation with Elizabeth Rosner
Wednesday, September 29
7:30 PM



Elizabeth Rosner
author of Blue Nude

in conversation with Linda Gray Sexton,

with opening remarks by Philippa Kelly


Acclaimed novelist Elizabeth Rosner asks: “Can we remember the past and move beyond it, creating art in the process?”

Her luminous second novel, Blue Nude, takes modern history’s greatest atrocity and expresses its consequences—and a hope for redemption—in the lives of two people thrown together by accident.

Born in the shadow of postwar Germany, Danzig is a once-prominent painter, now teaching at an art institute in San Francisco. Increasingly haunted by his dark inheritance, he finds himself unable to create. When Merav, the Israeli-born granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor, becomes Danzig’s muse, both realize they must face the wounds of history that each of them carries. Bringing together the past and present lives of Merav and Danzig, the story moves forward and backward in time and place: from a California art studio to the ruins of Berlin and back again.

In subtle yet profound awakenings, both artist and model begin to transform themselves as well as one another. Blue Nude becomes the literary equivalent of a masterpiece of visual art: elegantly composed, vivid, a perfect object as well as a great and stirring drama.

A daughter of Holocaust survivors, Rosner spent several years involved in a project called Acts of Reconciliation. This exploration of the legacy shared by Second Generation Jews and Germans, descendants of victims and perpetrators, led to the writing of Blue Nude. Its powerful themes of inheritance and transformation are inspiring answers to a question haunting many of us: How do our ancestors' lives dictate and inform our own?

Joining Elizabeth Rosner in conversation will be Linda Gray Sexton, whose writing has been intricately shaped by the life and work of her mother, poet Anne Sexton.


"We watch, spellbound, as the story seems to levitate midair, as the characters seamlessly unfold a plot that is no less than fascinating. Using the rhythms of poetry, Elizabeth Rosner has created a lyrical tour de force." -- Linda Gray Sexton, author of Half in Love: Surviving the Legacy of Suicide


“Rosner has a painter's eye and a poet's ear. BLUE NUDE is a luminous book about painful histories -- both private and global -- and how they stay with us even as they travel through to become something else - quite possibly art. A book both heady and tangible, both unflinching and generous, but always beautiful to read.” -- Karen Joy Fowler, author of The Jane Austen Book Club


“Through German artist, Danzig, and Israeli muse, Merav, Elizabeth Rosner builds a bridge from loss to reconciliation, from anger to understanding. Blue Nude is a lyrical exploration of how we -- as individuals and as a society -- move past our separate histories and toward a shared redemption. This is truly a lovely book.” -- Meg Waite Clayton, author of The Wednesday Sisters


“Blue Nude is a novel which spans time and continents, from post war Germany to California to Israeli kibbutzim, a novel which explores the big questions of history, fate, art, how we choose to live the lives we’re given–and yet it’s also wonderfully intimate as well in its exploration of the hearts of its individual characters. Elizabeth Rosner has written a thought provoking, moving and original book.” -- Dan Chaon, author of You Remind Me of Me


“Rosner takes on complexity with a brilliant poet’s insistence that the body can never surrender cultural legacy. Blue Nude is easy to pick up and, in its suspense, hard to put down. Its sensitivity to detail acts as a love letter to the world.” -- Edie Meidav, author of Crawl Space

Linda Gray Sexton, our interviewer this evening, has written four novels, and her first memoir, Searching for Mercy Street, was published to widespread acclaim. Linda Sexton’s new book, Half in Love: Surviving the Legacy of Suicide, arrives in January.


Philippa Kelly is Resident Dramaturg at the California Shakespeare Theater.



$12 advance ($6 students with ID and Hillside Club members), $15 (for all) at the door, online at Brown Paper Tickets on 800-838-3006.


Hillside Club (2286 Cedar Street, Berkeley)

Harmonious communication

I didn’t invent any of this. I’ve pieced it together over the years from other experts, as well as my own
personal and professional experience. Try it. It works. You’ll have more harmonious relationships with
men… All men.

Don't make him wrong: my marriage vows

I got married recently. We wrote our vows separately and surprised each other with them. I had been
jotting things down over a period of months, and one thing kept coming up for me: my beloved has zero
tolerance for being made wrong. It just doesn’t work for us. The first thing that I committed to in my
vows was to try to not make him wrong, and that if I wanted to make him wrong, I committed to figuring
out what was going on with me that caused me to do so. Because when you make somebody wrong it’s
information about you, not about them. I know, you probably don’t like hearing that either. But I’m right
on this. These unconventional vows really resonated with my beloved, as well as with the audience, the
men especially. They’re still talking about it. I think I struck a chord. As far as our marriage goes, so far so good.

Don't make him wrong!

Here’s a biggie: making a man wrong is a lose. Cumulatively, it whittles away at his sense of manhood
and empowerment. It’ll make him angry and cause him to withdraw. You may have noticed. Don’t make
him wrong. Period. Give it up.

Positive sandwich

When giving a man feedback, give him the ‘positive sandwich’: you start with a positive (“I love how
you…”), give him the constructive criticism (“And it would make me even happier if…”), and end with a
positive (“You’re such a wonderful…(lover, cook, father, planner)”).

Men have a single focus brain

When you want to talk to a man, pick an opportune time, a time that will set you both up for success.
Men’s brains are single‐focused ‐ in other words, they’re best‐suited to only focusing on one thing at a
time. Women tend to have multi‐tasking brains. Again, neither is better; it’s just different, and serves
different purposes. So if you want to approach him to discuss something, don’t do it when he’s focused
on something else. When he’s watching a football game on TV, fixing the car, doing e‐mail, helping little
Johnny assemble his new toy…he’s not available. And he won’t be able to give you his undivided
attention, which is what you want, right? He may grunt in response, and you assume that he has heard
and understood you. Later you wonder why he doesn’t remember. He genuinely doesn’t. Pick a time
when he can focus on you. Catch him in between tasks. You might even want to ask if it’s a good time to
discuss what color to paint the den, plan his mother’s birthday party, RSVP to a dinner invitation…

Thank him: it's a win

When you thank him, that’s a win for him, and he will want to do what pleases you again, so
that you are pleased again. Never underestimate the impact of praising and thanking a man, with a
smile and direct eye contact, whether it’s your mate, a busboy in a restaurant, the guy helping you at
the hardware store. A smile reads as a win to a man, and facilitates you both getting what you want.

Thank him...up one side and down the other

Here’s another important piece: when a man does something that pleases you…thank him! Several
times. Thank him in the moment, and be specific about what pleased you (it made you feel cared for, it
helped you somehow…). And thank him again later, in an unrelated moment: “Remember when you
complimented me on my outfit? That made me feel pretty.” “I’ve noticed you haven’t been leaving your
shoes in the middle of the hallway. I really appreciate that. I feel safer and not afraid to trip over them
anymore.”

Set your man up to win: be specific

Setting your man up to win might also sound like: “Sweetie, it would really make me happy if we had a
date night at that French restaurant this Friday; I could wear my new dress and you’d look so handsome
in that suit we got you last year. Would you be willing to make a reservation for an early dinner for us?”
Be specific. He wants to make you happy. I guarantee it; that’s how men are. If you communicate
clearly, then he knows what to do to get the win: make the reservation, wear the suit, and take you out
to dinner at the French restaurant.

Set your man up to win: he wants to please you

Setting a man up to win is telling him what would make you happy, and inviting him to please you. Not
demanding: inviting. When a woman demands, a man only has two choices: he can submit and comply
(not a win), or he can rebel (not a win either). Inviting would be something like: “Honey, it would really
help me out if you would take out the trash”. He wants to help, he takes out the trash, you’re pleased,
he wins, everybody wins.

Men need wins

Men generally thrive on
wins; they need a lot of them. It’s not at all that they’re frail creatures who need to be pumped up; it’s
how they’re put together. And there’s great value in it. When a man is happy at work, feels effective, get
successes, that’s a win. Each new client, each sale, each happy customer, each time his supervisor
praises him, he’s a winner. It’s similar in relationships.

Men have binary brains

When
you set a man up to win, it doesn’t mean that you lose. On the contrary. When you can increase a man’s
sense of his manhood (and I’m not just talking about sex here) (but that too), his self‐esteem blossoms,
he feels empowered, and better able to get the ‘win’. Men have binary brains: every situation is either a
win or a lose. It’s not wrong. It’s just one of the ways that men are not women.

Build you man up

Build your man up, set him up to win. There are women who take men
down, and those who build them up. You know who you are. It’s ok. We’re all doing the best we know
how. Man bashing is an insidious message we get from the culture. It’s not overt necessarily; it’s subtle,
but damaging. And the worst part is that women don’t get what they want from men that way.

'Getting our needs met'

Unproductive habits include waiting for him to read our mind, making him wrong for not doing so, and punishing him for it. Some couples really have stamina and can do this for years on end. Their communication consists of bickering, unresolved fights, lobbing emotional grenades at each other because they’re not ‘getting their needs met’. Let me tell you: nobody was put on this earth to meet our needs. I know; nobody likes to hear that.

HOW TO TALK TO MEN

Most communications can have one of two impacts: they can bring people closer together, or create distance. Too often we don’t think about that before we speak, nor do we develop habits that are conducive to more effective communication. In heterosexual communication, there are specific ways for women to communicate more effectively with men. (Stay tuned...)

Love them into Presence

Don't make someone wrong if they are upsetting you, or behaving in a way that is difficult for you. LOVE THEM INTO PRESENCE. Find the best in them, see their fears, figure out why they are behaving the way they are, how it makes perfect sense. And then love them through it. Help them to show up from the best in them, and to be present. You'll all have a much easier time. :)

Mars & Venus

John Gray has just published his 17th book. He and I agree about men wanting to make women happy, especially when women appreciate and thank them. We also agree that women benefit from giving men opportunities to be successful. 'Set him up to win', is how I describe it.
He is not available for counseling sessions, but if you like his material, I know a few things too. And I am available. :)

Don't do it in the dark!

Don't do it in the dark! You know what I'm talking about.
Don't deprive yourself, or your partner, of part of the experience. :)
Don't hide your body, ladies. Part of Erotic Integrity is owning your body.
And look at each other. If it's dark, you can't see each other. That's fun once in a while for fantasy play. But it's not conducive to intimacy ('into me you see').
I'm not talking bright lights here, unless it's daylight (warm days, lovemaking in the secluded sunshine). A candle is sufficient for you to see each other.

Relationship & Sex questions answered, tonight

San Rafael Mother's Club presentation
Tuesday 8/24 @ 7:30 - 9 PM
Town Center Community Room (Tamalpais Room), in Town Center, 770 Tamalpais Dr, #201, Corte Madera (right past AT&T store in Town Center)
RSVP to Drjessica474@aol.com

San Rafael Mother's Club, Free Presentation by Claudia Six, PhD, Relationship Therapist.
Topics covered:
-Keeping your marriage alive with the addition of children
-Couples communication skills
-Tools to strengthen your marriage & avoid divorce
Bring your sex & relationship questions...

'We don't communicate"

That is one of the common complaints, that brings people into my office.
What I tell people is: "People always communicate. It's just that sometimes they don't like the message they're getting."
When he sits w/his arms crossed, or rolls his eyes when she speaks, he's communicating plenty: he's closed, he's dismissive, probably because he's angry, and he's hurt.
When she sits at the far end of the couch leaning away from him, she's communicating: "I don't want to be close to you, don't touch me".
Beyond the basics of not making your partner wrong, making 'I' statements, and speaking of your own feelings (and that takes work), effective communication takes skill. That's one of the things I help people with.

The most important question

People get busy, and they lose connection with each other.
When you ask your mate: "Honey, how was your day?", you're not just asking for data. You're reading between the lines about how your partner is feeling. Are they feeling empowered and effective in their work? Do they feel good about how they handled themselves? Are they overwhelmed and in need of help or support, or words of kindness? Are they feeling accomplished by having generated a certain amount of business, so they can provide for the family, or keep the house? Are they hurt by something someone said to your child?... You get the gist.
People are always communicating, but what are they really saying?
When you ask your mate how their day was (preferably not while you're multi-tasking), you're communicating that you care & are paying attention. :)

Deserving

Another myth I'd like to debunk is the notion of deserving.
How many times have you heard: "You deserve a great relationship", "You deserve a better partner",...?
I don't think deserving has anything to do with it. Of course we can all have a good relationship. It's totally within the realm of what is possible. But I don't believe that it's something you have to earn. It's not as if you need to be on good behavior, accumulate brownie points, and then you are worthy. Having a good relationship is not based on merit; it's based on our ability to create for ourselves. And what gets in our way when we create? Scripts/buttons/triggers/faulty beliefs that lead to ineffective choices. (More on that some other time.)

San Rafael Mother's Club presentation, tues 8/24

Tuesday 8/24 @ 7:30 - 9 PM
Town Center Community Room (Tamalpais Room), in Town Center, 770 Tamalpais Dr, #201, Corte Madera (right past AT&T store in Town Center)
RSVP to Drjessica474@aol.com

San Rafael Mother's Club, Free Presentation by Claudia Six, PhD, Relationship Therapist.
Topics covered:
-Keeping your marriage alive with the addition of children
-Couples communication skills
-Tools to strengthen your marriage & avoid divorce
Bring your sex & relationship questions...

Soulmate vs lifemate

The popular notion regarding the search for one's Soulmate, the one perfect person out there for us, the one who will be the best match, is misguided. Someone can show up for us astrologically as a soulmate, and we can feel as though that person is already known to us, as if we'd met them before. They can feel familiar to us, easy, a known entity, an unbreakable bond.
But let's not confuse that with a partner who has the same life goals, who wants to create the same things we do, and who has the skills to do so.
If your soulmate doesn't want kids and you do...they're just not a viable life mate for you.

What we really want

What we all want is to be loved and accepted just the way we are, and to be received. Getting laid is nice, but initiating sex is vulnerable because what we’re asking for isn’t just sex.

Assumptions that create distance

If your partner doesn’t get the cue nor know the codeword, what do you do with that? Do you assume you’re no longer desirable? They’re having an affair? They’re flawed somehow, frigid, impotent? They’re ‘addicted’ to web porn? I’ve heard so many hurt and angry women diagnose their husbands as such because they feel rejected. And yes, it is easier to masturbate to porn than deal with a real live woman on the other end of your penis. Sometimes these guys have given up, or they’re withholding to yank her chain. I try to help them find a way back to their wife, to the love and connection, and to the courage to re‐open their heart and risk. And I also talk to the wife about not making him wrong and pushing him away, and about being a soft place to land emotionally.

Codewords

And then there are codewords. You may have seen the Gary Larson cartoon with the various animal couples saying ‘couac couac’, ‘miaow miaow’, and the human couple where the man says: ‘Hey baby, hey baby”. That’s code for: “Wanna have sex?” Couples all have codes. I’ve heard many in my career, such as “Wanna get lovey?”, “Wanna play tonight?” Think about it: what’s your code? And does your partner know that’s the code?

Set him up to win!

A note on that, since I hear that complaint often: ladies, men want to please you. You have to set him up to win. You have to let him know how to seduce you. Invite him – don’t demand in frustration and make him wrong. Invite him to do things that you would consider romantic. Spell it out clearly: “I’d love it if
you brought me flowers, lit some candles, turned the heat up (literally – if it’s winter, come on, who wants to get naked when it’s cold?), lit the fire and spread out a blanket, took me dancing, rubbed my feet, fed me grapes, put the kids to bed”… You get the idea.

Is lighting the candle enough?

Sometimes initiating sex is making his favorite pot roast for dinner, or putting the kids to bed early, or lighting a candle. Women tend to be more subtle. She’s thinking: “I lit a candle. Doesn’t he get it?! What is he waiting for? Oh, well. I guess he’s not into it. He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.” And then one day he complains that she never initiates, and she says: “But I lit the candle! Didn’t you get it?!” With men, unless you stick your hand in their crotch they often don’t get it. Men are more direct. They may rub up against you with their erection, or proudly show you that part of their anatomy & expect you to be enthusiastic and have you drop to your knees with desire. And then women complain that they feel like a piece of meat, that they don’t feel desired for who they are, that he’s not romantic enough.

the sweaty boobs question

In response to the question re what to do about sweaty boobs, in Lissa Rankin, MD's owningpink.com:

Another possibility, other than talcum powder: how about not wearing a bra some of the time? It may not reduce the sweating, but it'll reduce the discomfort of a wet bra.
Women often feel that they have to sanitise their breasts, hide their shape & configuration, by hiding them in a bra. Let them swing loose once in a while!
It's part of Erotic Integrity.

Missed cues?

How many of us have misread cues? Even if the other person is the brave one, we don’t always know they’re initiating. And then they’re hurt and not in such a big hurry to do it again.

Motivations for initiating

There are many motivations for initiating sex. We may want validation that we’re desirable, that if an attractive person wants to have sex with us that makes us attractive by association, or constitutes another notch in the bedpost. We may want to express love to our beloved. We may want him to stop nagging and pouting and get off our back, so to speak. We may want to connect physically and feel their skin, smell them, hold them… We may be anxious and use sex as a pacifier. We may just be horny. There’s no right or wrong reason to initiate. I just encourage you be straight with yourself about where you’re coming from.
How many of us have misread cues

Some guys bounce back

And it’s fraught with peril. Sex is vulnerable, and being rejected sexually is the worst kind of rejection. Some of us are more resilient than others. Some guys bounce back and just keep putting it out there, based on the law of probability they figure that eventually they’ll get a green light. And some people pack up their toys and go home after one attempt.

"If you ask, I'll say 'yes' "

Women do still buy into the myth that it’s the man’s job (assuming heterosexual couples) to start things. But women underestimate the role of inviting. When a man is reluctant to initiate for fear of being turned down, I tell his partner to say to him: “If you ask, I’ll say ‘yes’”. Letting the other person know you won’t turn them down is initiating, and empowers your partner to do it more, based on a track record of positive experiences.

Initiating Intimacy

INITIATING
Somebody’s got to do it, to get the show on the road. Somebody has to go out on the skinny branches and risk being rejected. Somebody simply has to go first, to make things happen. If sexual congress is going to take place, someone has to reach out towards the other person. There’s no way around it. When I ask my clients who initiates, they often don’t know…or they think they both do. Sometimes one person thinks they’re the one who initiated, while the other person wants the credit for it.

The LIST

Taking the time to get clear about THE LIST is committing to being open to meeting the best possible mate for you. Having Dr Six ask you all the relevant questions can help you to create THE LIST.
Are you a morning person? What are your preferences in terms of personal time? Personal space? Food? Relationship with exes? ...