Don't do it in the dark!

Don't do it in the dark! You know what I'm talking about.
Don't deprive yourself, or your partner, of part of the experience. :)
Don't hide your body, ladies. Part of Erotic Integrity is owning your body.
And look at each other. If it's dark, you can't see each other. That's fun once in a while for fantasy play. But it's not conducive to intimacy ('into me you see').
I'm not talking bright lights here, unless it's daylight (warm days, lovemaking in the secluded sunshine). A candle is sufficient for you to see each other.

Relationship & Sex questions answered, tonight

San Rafael Mother's Club presentation
Tuesday 8/24 @ 7:30 - 9 PM
Town Center Community Room (Tamalpais Room), in Town Center, 770 Tamalpais Dr, #201, Corte Madera (right past AT&T store in Town Center)
RSVP to Drjessica474@aol.com

San Rafael Mother's Club, Free Presentation by Claudia Six, PhD, Relationship Therapist.
Topics covered:
-Keeping your marriage alive with the addition of children
-Couples communication skills
-Tools to strengthen your marriage & avoid divorce
Bring your sex & relationship questions...

'We don't communicate"

That is one of the common complaints, that brings people into my office.
What I tell people is: "People always communicate. It's just that sometimes they don't like the message they're getting."
When he sits w/his arms crossed, or rolls his eyes when she speaks, he's communicating plenty: he's closed, he's dismissive, probably because he's angry, and he's hurt.
When she sits at the far end of the couch leaning away from him, she's communicating: "I don't want to be close to you, don't touch me".
Beyond the basics of not making your partner wrong, making 'I' statements, and speaking of your own feelings (and that takes work), effective communication takes skill. That's one of the things I help people with.

The most important question

People get busy, and they lose connection with each other.
When you ask your mate: "Honey, how was your day?", you're not just asking for data. You're reading between the lines about how your partner is feeling. Are they feeling empowered and effective in their work? Do they feel good about how they handled themselves? Are they overwhelmed and in need of help or support, or words of kindness? Are they feeling accomplished by having generated a certain amount of business, so they can provide for the family, or keep the house? Are they hurt by something someone said to your child?... You get the gist.
People are always communicating, but what are they really saying?
When you ask your mate how their day was (preferably not while you're multi-tasking), you're communicating that you care & are paying attention. :)

Deserving

Another myth I'd like to debunk is the notion of deserving.
How many times have you heard: "You deserve a great relationship", "You deserve a better partner",...?
I don't think deserving has anything to do with it. Of course we can all have a good relationship. It's totally within the realm of what is possible. But I don't believe that it's something you have to earn. It's not as if you need to be on good behavior, accumulate brownie points, and then you are worthy. Having a good relationship is not based on merit; it's based on our ability to create for ourselves. And what gets in our way when we create? Scripts/buttons/triggers/faulty beliefs that lead to ineffective choices. (More on that some other time.)

San Rafael Mother's Club presentation, tues 8/24

Tuesday 8/24 @ 7:30 - 9 PM
Town Center Community Room (Tamalpais Room), in Town Center, 770 Tamalpais Dr, #201, Corte Madera (right past AT&T store in Town Center)
RSVP to Drjessica474@aol.com

San Rafael Mother's Club, Free Presentation by Claudia Six, PhD, Relationship Therapist.
Topics covered:
-Keeping your marriage alive with the addition of children
-Couples communication skills
-Tools to strengthen your marriage & avoid divorce
Bring your sex & relationship questions...

Soulmate vs lifemate

The popular notion regarding the search for one's Soulmate, the one perfect person out there for us, the one who will be the best match, is misguided. Someone can show up for us astrologically as a soulmate, and we can feel as though that person is already known to us, as if we'd met them before. They can feel familiar to us, easy, a known entity, an unbreakable bond.
But let's not confuse that with a partner who has the same life goals, who wants to create the same things we do, and who has the skills to do so.
If your soulmate doesn't want kids and you do...they're just not a viable life mate for you.

What we really want

What we all want is to be loved and accepted just the way we are, and to be received. Getting laid is nice, but initiating sex is vulnerable because what we’re asking for isn’t just sex.

Assumptions that create distance

If your partner doesn’t get the cue nor know the codeword, what do you do with that? Do you assume you’re no longer desirable? They’re having an affair? They’re flawed somehow, frigid, impotent? They’re ‘addicted’ to web porn? I’ve heard so many hurt and angry women diagnose their husbands as such because they feel rejected. And yes, it is easier to masturbate to porn than deal with a real live woman on the other end of your penis. Sometimes these guys have given up, or they’re withholding to yank her chain. I try to help them find a way back to their wife, to the love and connection, and to the courage to re‐open their heart and risk. And I also talk to the wife about not making him wrong and pushing him away, and about being a soft place to land emotionally.

Codewords

And then there are codewords. You may have seen the Gary Larson cartoon with the various animal couples saying ‘couac couac’, ‘miaow miaow’, and the human couple where the man says: ‘Hey baby, hey baby”. That’s code for: “Wanna have sex?” Couples all have codes. I’ve heard many in my career, such as “Wanna get lovey?”, “Wanna play tonight?” Think about it: what’s your code? And does your partner know that’s the code?

Set him up to win!

A note on that, since I hear that complaint often: ladies, men want to please you. You have to set him up to win. You have to let him know how to seduce you. Invite him – don’t demand in frustration and make him wrong. Invite him to do things that you would consider romantic. Spell it out clearly: “I’d love it if
you brought me flowers, lit some candles, turned the heat up (literally – if it’s winter, come on, who wants to get naked when it’s cold?), lit the fire and spread out a blanket, took me dancing, rubbed my feet, fed me grapes, put the kids to bed”… You get the idea.

Is lighting the candle enough?

Sometimes initiating sex is making his favorite pot roast for dinner, or putting the kids to bed early, or lighting a candle. Women tend to be more subtle. She’s thinking: “I lit a candle. Doesn’t he get it?! What is he waiting for? Oh, well. I guess he’s not into it. He doesn’t find me attractive anymore.” And then one day he complains that she never initiates, and she says: “But I lit the candle! Didn’t you get it?!” With men, unless you stick your hand in their crotch they often don’t get it. Men are more direct. They may rub up against you with their erection, or proudly show you that part of their anatomy & expect you to be enthusiastic and have you drop to your knees with desire. And then women complain that they feel like a piece of meat, that they don’t feel desired for who they are, that he’s not romantic enough.

the sweaty boobs question

In response to the question re what to do about sweaty boobs, in Lissa Rankin, MD's owningpink.com:

Another possibility, other than talcum powder: how about not wearing a bra some of the time? It may not reduce the sweating, but it'll reduce the discomfort of a wet bra.
Women often feel that they have to sanitise their breasts, hide their shape & configuration, by hiding them in a bra. Let them swing loose once in a while!
It's part of Erotic Integrity.